Jethro escreveu para minha mãe pelo dia de hoje:

[ HOMAGE TO SOMEONE I WON’T EVER KNOW (ALTHOUGH SHE PROBABLY KNOWS ME FROM FAR ABOVE) ]

You seem to have shown exactly what true love could be, by the way he talks about it. You taught it well, didn’t you? Unconditional love. Something that nothing in the universe could change. It’s so special. Unique. It made her grow up strong and feel protected. You were both enough to each other. None of you happened to need a 3rd or 4th one around. Just you and her. An amazing love that could make life so complete. Just a mother and a daughter. Just you and her.

Well, you did it right. She is amazing. She is strong. Self-sufficient. I wish she could realize it, so she wouldn’t find herself at the boundaries of despair sometimes. But I don’t blame her. I know she’s the only one who knows EXACTLY how it feels to lose the rights of having your embrace whenever she wanted it, to touch you and kiss you or embrace you whenever she wanted it. I’m living just a very little piece of this missing thing, by wanting to live all these touching and kissing and embracing stuff with her, but I’m far away, and we can’t have it either, and I get already VERY desperate sometimes. It’s NOTHING, compared to your case (yours and hers), I’m aware of it. But it makes me understand her when she goes through all these things.

I haven’t met you. But somehow, maybe by loving her so much and wanting to become part of her life so much, I think I sometimes can feel you. And because of that, I already tried to talk with you so many times (just like I’m doing now). You know, don’t you? I think it’s been almost every day now. I’m always asking you to calm her down whenever she gets desperate about something, or whenever she gets depressive by missing you so much or even because of any daily problems. I’m always asking you to take her into your lap and calm her down. And I’m sure that, somehow, you do this to her. And then I calm down here too, ’cause I know she’s still protected and loved.

Anyways, I do get very sad when I know that she’s sad because she’s missing you so much. I’m so aware that you are (and will always be) the most important one in her life. A love like this won’t ever die, and that’s the beauty of it all, if you can find any beauty and happiness in this case. What I wish now, is that she could learn more and more about how to filter all these feelings, forget the sadness (which I know is something sooo hard to do), and keep only the love and the best moments together, just like you wanted it to be. I also do get very sad because I’m not around when she’s getting through all these sad feelings. I feel so helpless, and it makes me feel kinda depressive too. And, this way, it gets very hard to talk and try to bring her back to happiness. But once again I know that she’s lying on your lap and you’re calming her down, and I feel better somehow.

So, by being completely aware of how important you are to the most important person in my life now, I leave here my homage to you, for this October 23rd. I never met you. But I’m sure you already know me. And I somehow feel like I kinda knew you. I hope it’s not sounding too arrogant, talking about something I haven’t lived. I just wanted to do something about this special date. And it surely is a special date for me too. So here it is, from me (or should I say ‘us’?) to you, with love.

Jethro Mendonça
(October 14th, 2005)

Deu para me conformar com esse final.
Pena que as coisas nem sempre são como queremos.

“Fugindo por uma estrada
como outra qualquer
Quase sempre é alta madrugada
Por isso leve sempre
O seu pé de coelho
Ferradura com sete furos
Trevo de 4 folhas
e uma arruda atrás da orelha
Que o destino traga você então…
Pra perto de mim.”

Eu posso sentir o vento me libertando-congelando-meu-corpo enquanto sigo de madrugada para o aeroporto com as janelas do carro abertas. Fico sentadinha numa mesinha da praça esperando você desembarcar. Os segundos são minutos. Os minutos são horas. Até que a moça-com-a-voz-metálica anuncia a chegada do seu vôo. Corro para o portão. E lá está você com aquele sorriso do tamanho do mundo e os braços abertos que abrigam o universo do nosso amor.

Faz um ano que eu andava na corda bamba. Entre a vida e a morte. Não tenha dúvidas que o melhor de mim foi embora. Está perdido em sonhos-nuvens-algodão que esporadicamente acontecem durante a semana. Está perdido no olhar, na doçura e na saudade da pessoa que será eternamente a mais importante da minha vida.

Escuto a música Everybody’s Gotta Learn Sometimes ao escrever. Lembro de ter assistido ao filme Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind umas dez vezes quando estreou, e os significados dele permanecem ainda tão dolorosos quanto antes. Lembro de estar no carro de Kruel, durante a madrugada, com lágrimas nos olhos, dizendo que algumas pessoas precisam testar o limite de si mesmas para poderem realmente aprender. E o quanto é fácil tomar decisões precipitadas na hora da dor. A psicanálise me ajudou bastante nessa época, e as conversas com dra. Cristina martelavam ao som de Beck. Principalmente nos momentos em que aceitei o que na minha cabeça era absurdo. Aceitava, mas não entendia. Tentava dormir com isso. Tentava seguir adiante…

Alguns dizem que a dor ameniza, para algumas coisas pode até ser, mas a minha… a minha fica armazenada aqui dentro. Pulsando. Como se tivesse vida própria. Têm dias ela sai pra fora de vez, e eu me desespero como nunca, tenho a sensação incrível de que posso subir pelas paredes ajudando-a a explodir. E a acabar de vez comigo.

p.s. - Hoje é um dia em que nada feliz que me disser, eu poderei retribuir com um sorriso.